The Cruelest Judge: When Your Inner Critic Won't Let You "Just Be Happy"
Why Success Feels Different with ADHD—And Why Sometimes a Weekend in Bed Is Exactly What Healing Looks Like
I’ve been mentally exhausted.
And fighting it.
I had my last final last Friday.
I didn’t leave my bed again until I had to go to work on Tuesday.
That’s when the masking started again.
I felt horrible, anxious, and like an absolute failure.
“Why didn’t you study harder?”
“Will you even graduate?”
“You know you’ll never pass the bar right?”
So.
In a desperate attempt to feel how I “should” feel…
“Happy.”
I told myself that once I got all of my final grades back
And saw that I hadn’t done as horribly as I was telling myself I did…
I would be HAPPY!
GENUINELY HAPPY!
CREDIT: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1681050619/adolescent-adventures-braces-and-all?epik=dj0yJnU9Z2NQWTNRaEdlbjF2Z2J2MEtISFFTeXdSdXRxTW50YmomcD0wJm49cU5tQnVTMzdEaEtQdFBuMEhZRUtrZyZ0PUFBQUFBR2dXMEN3
Legal Analysis 1 grade came in.
B.
“Ok, ok, ok…we got this.”
A couple days pass.
I don’t have my Contracts 1 and Torts 1 grades back.
“What’s happening?”
“Did I do that horribly?”
Every time I woke up
I would check to see if the grades came in.
Nothing.
“Maybe my professor is so disgusted with how I did that he’s taking even longer to grade the exams?!”
I promise I’m not making this up.
No one is meaner to me.
Than. Me.
This entire week was filled with me telling myself
“JUST BE HAPPY”.
Masking.
Every. Single. Day.
Wednesday.
My Torts 1 grade comes in.
C.
PANIC.
CREDIT: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/281404676711028196/
“I had a B In Torts!”
“I was nervous about CONTRACTS!”
“IF I GOT A C IN TORTS I MUST HAVE FAILED CONTRACTS!!”
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
Panic, Panic, Panic.
CREDIT: https://www.pinterest.com/dmichele94/
“What do I do now?!”
“Will I be on academic probation?!”
“Will they kick me out?!”
“Why did YOU do this Bobbi?!”
Again NO ONE is meaner to me.
Than. Me.
Friday.
Contracts 1 grade comes in.
“Brace yourself, Bobbi”
It took me forever to actually look at the grade.
I’m a work in progress and I honestly cannot type my grade.
Maybe one day.
Anyway.
I lost it.
Lost it.
CREDIT: https://www.pinterest.com/haffigaza/
I passed, yes.
I passed my first semester of law school.
WHY CANT I BE HAPPY?!?!
Maybe because…
I set my expectations so high, TOO high at the start of the semester.
And couldn’t meet them.
Month after month I felt the universe was working against me.
Cutting off a parent.
Finances (not to at all negate that I genuinely love being a legal intern at a litigation firm).
Medication changes.
I can’t and don’t feel like reliving and writing everything.
But I let it all get to me.
I fell behind.
That’s on me.
What I’m processing
And know that I will see and believe is
I made it.
I passed.
I start my second semester on Wednesday.
This first semester wasn’t pretty.
It wasn’t perfect.
And I’m still learning that…
THAT’S. OK.
CREDIT: https://www.pinterest.com/neshabryant/
I don’t have to be perfect.
I’ll get there but.
This weekend I might just stay in bed again.
And I don’t care.
If this is what I have to do
To get to being GENUINELY…
“HAPPY”
Then..
Weekend in bed it is.
CREDIT: https://www.pinterest.com/blackpeonyx/
I got goosebumps while reading this. I can relate. Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why is it so difficult to just remember that the Universe has our backs and we are held and safe? I am constantly reminding myself to enjoy the journey and know that every moment is a lesson to help me discover who I truly am. I can tell you are blessed with a brilliant mind and a deep soul, and sometimes that means you internalize more. Love yourself and always be compassionate with yourself because you are always doing your best and that's all we can ask of ourselves. It always works out exactly as it's supposed to. We just have to relax into it.
Progress not perfection! Congratulations … you’re rocking it though and that’s worth celebrating. A pass is a pass … grades truly stopped mattering after school for me.